What to Do When Your Child Has Tantrums, Hurts Siblings, and Breaks Things
A Positive Discipline case study on tantrums, sibling aggression, destructive behaviour, the revenge mistaken goal, and how Special Time can help.
When parents come to me with a child whose behaviour feels explosive, aggressive, or destructive, they are usually exhausted. They have often tried everything they can think of - explaining, warning, shouting, consequences, taking things away - and nothing seems to create lasting change.
I once worked with parents of two girls, aged 10 and 8. They came to me because their older daughter was having intense tantrums, breaking things, hurting her younger sister, ignoring requests, and destroying property when she became upset. The parents felt helpless, hurt, and overwhelmed by what was happening at home.
From an Adlerian and Positive Discipline perspective, her behaviour reflected the mistaken goal of revenge.
What is the revenge mistaken goal?
In Positive Discipline, revenge behaviour often happens when a child feels deeply hurt and disconnected. Instead of showing that hurt directly, the child expresses it by hurting others, damaging things, or pushing people away.
The child’s inner belief may sound something like this:
“I feel hurt, so I will hurt others too.”
This does not mean the child is bad. It means the child is discouraged and expressing pain in an unhelpful way.
Children in this pattern may:
lash out physically
hurt siblings
destroy objects
ignore adults
reject comfort
seem angry or unreachable
How does this behaviour affect parents?
One useful clue in Positive Discipline is the parent’s emotional response.
When a child is acting from revenge, parents often feel:
hurt
shocked
angry
rejected
deeply sad
That was true for this family. The parents did not just feel frustrated - they felt wounded. That helped us understand that this was not simply “bad behaviour.” It was behaviour coming from pain.
Looking underneath the behaviour
Instead of focusing only on how to stop the outbursts, we worked on understanding what their daughter might be thinking, feeling, and deciding in those moments.
We used role play to help the parents step into their child’s inner world. We explored questions like:
What might she be feeling just before the tantrum?
What story might she be telling herself?
What might she be deciding about herself or others?
What is she needing that she cannot express well?
This helped the parents move away from seeing only defiance and destruction, and toward seeing hurt, discouragement, and disconnection.
That shift was important. Children are much more likely to change when adults understand the message underneath the behaviour, not just the behaviour itself.
What was the first step?
Together, we made a simple plan to test a few changes at home. One of the first tools we introduced was Special Time.
What is Special Time?
Special Time is a short period of one-to-one time between parent and child. During that time, the parent gives full attention, follows the child’s lead, and does not correct, lecture, or judge.
For a child stuck in revenge, this can be very powerful because it sends a different message:
“You matter to me.”
“I want to be with you.”
“Our relationship is bigger than these hard moments.”
“You do not have to fight for connection.”
For this family, so much of the contact with their daughter had become focused on problems — correcting, stopping, disciplining, repairing. Special Time gave them a way to rebuild connection outside the moments of crisis.
Does this mean no boundaries?
No. Positive Discipline does not mean allowing aggression or destruction.
The younger sibling still needed protection. Clear boundaries still mattered. The goal was not to remove firmness, but to bring together kindness and firmness.
That meant:
stopping hurtful behaviour
protecting the sibling
staying calm where possible
using fewer words during escalation
reconnecting later when everyone was calmer
building connection outside the conflict
A child in revenge often expects adults either to punish harshly or emotionally pull away. Calm boundaries with steady connection offer something different.
Why did Special Time matter?
Because this child did not only need correction. She needed reconnection.
Children who act from revenge often do not feel safe in relationship, even though connection is exactly what they need most. They may push adults away while also longing to feel seen and understood.
Special Time does not solve everything overnight, but it can begin to rebuild trust and safety in the relationship.
What changed first?
The first change was not that the behaviour disappeared immediately.
The first change was in the parents.
They became less reactive and more curious. They began to understand their daughter’s behaviour differently. Instead of seeing only anger, they started to see hurt underneath it. That helped them respond with more steadiness and less escalation.
And when parents change the pattern, children often begin to change too.
What can parents take from this?
When a child is hurting others, breaking things, or having explosive tantrums, it is easy to focus only on stopping the behaviour. But a more helpful question is often:
What is my child trying to communicate?
In Adlerian psychology, revenge behaviour is often the behaviour of a hurt child. That does not excuse the behaviour, but it helps us respond more wisely.
What often helps most is a combination of:
clear boundaries
emotional safety
curiosity about the child’s inner world
and regular, intentional connection
That is why tools like Special Time can make such a difference.
Final thought
The most difficult behaviour often comes from the most discouraged place.
A child who hurts others may not be asking for harsher control. They may be showing us, in the only way they can, that they feel hurt too.
And when parents begin to understand that, they can respond in a way that protects everyone while also helping the child move towards connection, trust, and change.