🌱 How Kids See Us: The Opinions We Silence and the Identities We Shape

I was listening to The Diary of a CEO recently - the episode where Steven Bartlett talked with Brené Brown - and something she said really stayed with me. Not because it was new, but because it confirmed what I see all the time - both in my work and at home.

We tell children so much about what to do, how to behave, what to feel, how to act. But we leave so little room for them to discover who they are, what they think, and how they feel.

What children learn - and what they actually need

As one of many points in the podcast, Brené mentioned that in CEO meetings she often hears people discuss what children should learn.And the answers are almost always the same: coding, engineering, maths - start early, get ahead.

But when she asks those same successful people what truly shaped them, the answers couldn’t be more different:
philosophy, history, art, curiosity, creativity, and the courage to think differently.

We spend a lot of time teaching children what to think, but very little time helping them learn how to think for themselves, to listen to their bodies, to notice their feelings, and to trust their own minds.

We’re not preparing them for life, we’re teaching them how to fit into everyone else’s expectations.

What we say vs. what they hear

“Put your jacket on - it’s cold.”
We mean: I don’t want you to get sick.
They hear: You don’t know what your body feels - I do.

“You look so pretty.”
We mean: I like how you look.
They hear: How other people see me matters more than how I feel.

“What did you get on your test? What did your friend get?”
We mean: I care about your learning.
They hear: Only results matter. If I can’t do it perfectly, there’s no point trying.

“Stop crying. It’s just a pot.”
We mean: I want to help you feel better.
They hear: My feelings are too much. Vulnerability is weakness.

“Clean your room and I’ll give you £5.”
We mean: I want to motivate you.
They hear: Only help if you get something back.

We don’t mean to send these messages, but we do. And children quietly build their sense of self around them.

What they truly need

Positive Discipline teaches that children need two things to thrive: Belonging and Significance.

Belonging means: I’m connected. I have a place here.
Significance means: I matter. I make a difference.

These don’t grow from praise and rewards.
They grow from connection, contribution, and being recognised for who they are - not what they produce.

When children help, share, comfort, or create and we notice it, they see themselves as capable and valued. That’s how confidence and character are built.

How they see us through their eyes

“Mummy doesn’t care that I’m hot - she knows better.”
“She cares more about what others will say than how I feel.”
“They don’t ask what I think - only what the teacher thinks.”

From as early as toddlerhood, children begin to assert themselves - “No!” is one of their favourite words.
By around seven or eight, they start building a stronger sense of self - testing boundaries, expressing preferences, learning what feels right for them.

When they say “No!”, it’s not rebellion - it’s selfhood growing roots.

But when we silence that voice with: “You’re too young to have an opinion,”
we’re not just stopping the argument - we’re quieting the voice that will one day protect them.

We’re teaching them: Your inner world doesn’t matter & Other people’s approval does.

And this is what keeps us awake at night

Because one day, we won’t be there. They’ll be teenagers at a party, with friends, under pressure. And someone will offer them something they don’t want, or push them too far.

If we’ve spent years training them to ignore their instincts and please others, how will they suddenly know how to say:

“STOP. I don’t want this.”

Their inner voice is their only protection when we’re not there.
And it needs practice - not perfection - to grow strong.

Imagine a different message

“What do you think?”
“How does that feel?”
“What matters to you?”
“What does your gut say?”

Imagine raising children who trust themselves. Who know their feelings are valid. Who believe they belong because they are valued, not because they perform.

That’s what builds confidence. That’s what keeps them safe. That’s what helps them become whole.